Six Hundred Sixty Truths About The Afterlife
by Cornuthaum
Summary: Truth: Some embrace it, some shun it, some hide it, some defile it. But it is, and always will be, just that: Truth.
1. Sense and Sensibility

1.) Unohana Retsu is the oldest living female in all of Seireitei. No-one but the Commander-General knows _how_ old, though, and none suspects it. After all, her conscience is clear, and she bears old age considerably better than some others because of it.

2.) Minazuki likes to eat Hollows whole. When she asked the giant flying ray-thing why, the answer left her giggling for a day. "They taste like chicken, mistress" it had said. Not that she tried to find out if that was true, but many centuries later a quirly pink-headed ball of barely restrained energy told her that they kinda did.

3.) Aizen Sousuke knew better than to try and stab her. Creepily efficient illusions or no, he knew that she could - and would - have reduced the area they fought into the spiritual equivalent of a radioactive crater in order to get him.

4.) She has an on-off relationship to all things alcoholic. While they help her to bear the many centuries of memories trying to crush her at times, she is a horrible lightweight and gets really, really frisky if she's too far gone for her lieutenant - whoever it is at the time, given she had more than any other captain - to rescue her. Too many fellow captains found out the hard way about this. Nonetheless, Captain Shunsui is persistently trying to get her to agree to another Great Bar Crawl Like The One Back Then, You Know The One Where You Aiiiiiinotinmyfacepleaseretsustopit.

5.) She has lost more members of her division than all captains of the 11th put together. Tragic as it is, the suicide rate amongst the Fourth is higher than the combat casualty rate amongst the premier fighting division of the Gotei 13. She hates the rules that allow this to continue, but she refuses to fight, kill and destroy to save more lives. Only because of this does she not join Aizen Sousuke when he asks her to.

6.) People look at the captain of a division of healers and what amounts to a cheap labor force and think her to be soft, weak, like they think of her subordinates. They forget something of grave importance, though. She is, unlike her subordinates and those who try to judge her, a captain. And like all of her rank, she enjoys the rush that comes with calling on their powers, the pulse of reiatsu unleashed. Too late and to their sorrow do those who try to kill her find out that her sword is more than just a giant, grinning ray-like thing. It is, in some cases, also a big, sharp sword, and Unohana Retsu is a master of the blade.

7.) She has had more Vice Captains than any other captain. With the exception of three, all of them became captains and died in heroic last stands. Those three that didn't become captains died as most medics do, quickly mourned, quickly forgotten. Only her last - and current - Vice Captain has figured this out and decides to stay at the side of her Captain come hell or high water. She's bound to survive to die of old age this way, at least.

8.) Unohana Retsu was asked twenty-seven times to join the Central 46. The first ten times, she politely declined. The next ten times, she curtly declined. The five times after that she had to tell the Commander-General that she would delegate his yearly medical check-up to hopeful apprentices if he tried to get rid of her again. The last two times, though, she handed the luckless messenger over to the ever-present recuperating patients from the 11th and told them that the man had volounteered for combat practice. So far, the Central 46 did not send anyone else to try and convince her to join them, and even if they did try, they found no-one willing to take the job.

9.) She hates three men with all the considerable passion her heart can muster. The esteemed Commander-General of the Gotei 13 for more crimes than she can possibly count before her audience falls asleep from exhaustion, Kurotsuchi Mayuri for being the singlemost unholy blight to ever disgrace the title of 'Captain' and Urahara Kisuke for allowing the miserable, wretched slive known as Kurotsuchi to usurp his title... and, well, bolting from Soul Society without telling her. She does not, however, hate Aizen Sousuke for trying to bring down Seireitei and all it stands for, even though she disagrees with his methods. She knows that she'll be the first to cheer for him if he ever manages to strike down Yamamoto.

10.) It was true love at the first sight when she met Ichigo. She could feel it radiate off him, the burning desire to prove himself, the spiritual-biological imperative to grow stronger and stronger and stronger until nothing in the world could challenge him anymore. She loves Ichigo, because when she looks at him she sees the death of the system of Soul Society, be it by his hands or by his death.

11.) She introduced the living-world speciality of catnip to Soi Fong. To this day, Yoruichi has not forgiven her for this transgression. Unohana thinks it's been worth all the trouble the angry and scarily creative Shihouin princess unleashed upon her in retailation.

12.) Ise Nanao is a former member of her division. When the woman - more a girl, back then - was a 3rd Seat in her division, Unohana took notice of her exceptional talents at all things related to the manipulation of reiatsu. After only four years of training she considered Nanao ready to take on Vice Captaincy. Three days after that the last Great Bar Crawl happened and she managed, of all things, to lose Nanao in a bet to Shunsui. Somehow, though, Unohana Retsu knows that her former subordinate likes her new place within the hierarchy of Soul Society.

13.) She is - and has been - the closest thing to a friend Komamura Sajin has amongst the captains of the Gotei 13. She was the second person in the afterlife to see him unmasked and not show fear or revulsion. She personally took over his physical examinations from the day he joined the shinigami corps and she has greatly enjoyed debating about the concepts of both justice and honor with him. It is a real pity in her eyes that Komamura is Yamamoto's Man to the core, because if he wasn't, she could truly be his friend instead of someone who values a strong sense of justice and honor, misplaced as they might be.

14.) She has helped Kuchiki Byakuya greatly over the years in either dissuading or outright terminating rumors concerning the man's sexual orientation. While it is very hard to do so - both of them know that he looks exceedingly effeminate and that his zanpakuto release states do not help at all - she does it because he had the guts to marry Hisana. Anyone who stands up against the repressive order of those who claim nobility in Seireitei is, by her choice, a friend in need. And she helps those who need it.

15.) During the war against Aizen and his army of horrible hybrids, she volounteered to teach the rag-tag strike team that Kurosaki Ichigo had assembled everything she thought they'd need to survive in terms of kido. The frustration she felt when the boy simply fell asleep during lectures was quickly replaced by bone-deep satisfaction when he learned quickly. The transition from boredom to frenzied activity was accompanied by her setting the boy on fire in order to catch his attention. That she got her hands all over him in order to make sure no burns remained was a big plus, too.

16.) She grinds her teeth in frustration as she readies to unleash Minazuki on her enemies in order to save Yamamoto-Genryusai Shigekuni. But she realizes that the time-worn man is needed yet, as a symbol to keep that which she loathes together. It is the hardest thing she has ever done, preserving that which she would gladly see reduced to naught but ash, but she does it anyways, to make sure youngsters like Ichigo have a chance to change things.

17.) She is an example of poise, grace and everything else one likes to see in a lady, and she has been hit on by enough people - of both genders, to her chagrin - throughout the centuries to prove it. Unfortunately for the most persistant of her pursuers she is not a lady, but a lady that knows how to use polite serenity as a weapon more dangerous than anything they might imagine. No-one knows that she is waiting for her perfect Prince Charming - and if they know, they also know how to shut up on the matter.

18.) When Ichimaru Gin stabs Aizen Sousuke in one swift, final act of betrayal she lobbies the hardest to get the man re-instated into the ranks of the Gotei 13. When it is decided that the silver-haired betrayer is too dangerous to keep around, she made sure that all they destroy was a fake body. Nakajima Ginga is a rising star in the academy these days, and no-one would suspect the cute, if creepy, girl to be the former captain. Unohana Retsu is many things, one of them being an expert spiritoplastic surgeon.

19.) During her long, long stay in the supposedly good-aligned armed forces of the afterlife she has slain what amounts to three captains in direct combat. The first had the power of one - before the rank of captain was introduced by Yamamoto. He had come to budding Seireitei, looking for a fight and had picked her. Minazuki said the man gave her indigestion. The second was the precedessor of the delightfully caustic shrimp known as Hitsugaya Toushiro. Trying to force himself on one of her subordinates was the last mistake the drunken wretch made in his life. Minazuki asked her not to fight drunkards any more. Hangovers shared over the Shinigami-Zanpakuto bond were awful, so she didn't. The last was Kurotsuchi Mayuri, and she loved every second of it. She asked Minazuki for forgiveness, but the manifestation of her sword told her that if she ever found another walking cocktail of psychotropic substances, she should waste no time in ordering her zanpakuto to devour it. Somehow, Unohana is angry at Mayuri for having the gall of being tasty in the eyes of her sword.

20.) When it's all said and done, the only thing she laments is that her hair still has a mind of its own and refuses to accept the heavy braid she keeps it in, even after many, many centuries of keeping them in this shape. Although it takes no more than two minutes and thirty-six seconds thanks to practice, the fact that she can and has braided her hair while sleeping is a tad bit embarassing. She is a creature of habits, indeed.

--

Note to self: Do not make bets with Fosfor. He is a robot who replaced his heart and brain with machines so he does not have to sleep any more.


	2. Crueldad

1.) Ichimaru Gin is a man of simple tastes. Peace, quiet, someone to torment and the heavenly bosom of Matsumoto Rangiku are all that he needs to be content. It is little wonder that he is permanently ticked off.

2.) Ironically, he loves Shinsou as much as he loves Rangiku. She is the meanest, leanest, most awesome kick-ass engine of death and destruction he has ever encountered, and with a mind to match. Of course, having your zanpakuto out for your blood because you are a "dumb-ass who doesn't value boobs like those!" is a bit detrimental. He still doesn't know if Shinsou means her own or Rangiku's.

3.) He keeps his eyes habitually half-closed. The last time he went for a week with eyes open and no creepy 'I-know-your-dirty-secrets-and-will-use-them-against-you' smile he was swarmed with dozens upon dozens of love-struck girls - and to his horror more than a few men - trying to get his attention. Ever since then he understands why Kenpachi keeps the image of a mad berserker.

4.) People look at him and instantly classify him as an uncompromising, heartless and inventive sadist. They are right.

5.) One of the first Arrancar took a look at him and decided that he was a weenie. The rest of the Arrancar learned that attacking Ichimaru Gin not only displeased their beloved Aizen-sama, but also results in a drawn-out death that rivals anything even the meanest Menos class hollows could come up with. Gin is, at the very least, very creative.

6.) He loathes the former Captain Tousen. Both Aizen and he himself accept the fact that they are uncompromisingly evil and will kill, maim and obliterate anything that stands between them and their goals. The hypocrisy that Tousen displays every time he rants about justice is something Gin can not stomach.

7.) Unfortunately for him, he is not the only sadist in the upper echelons of Hueco Mundo. When Aizen Sousuke - with the barest hint of a smile - orders him to take over the combat training of the fledgling Arrancar, Gin begins to doubt his ability to stay sane in this bleak hellhole.

8.) Ironically, both he and Matsumoto are still virgins. Some universal force managed to intervene every time they tried to change that, usually by placing them in a multitude of very embarrassing situations. It's another part of his life that Gin loathes with a passion.

9.) He is the perfect all-rounder. When the speed freaks run in circles around him he endures; When slow, lumbering giants try to crush him, he speeds away and when someone tries to nail him with Kido ... well, he stabs them while they're channeling their energies. Ichimaru Gin is good, and he knows it.

10.) Ichimaru Gin knows fear. He has embraced it and spreads it whereever he goes. Without anyone, not even himself, knowing it, he managed to twist his reiatsu to conjure an aura of unease around him. In fact, it is fortunate that no-one knows, or Aizen Sousuke would have dissected him to find out how to use that effect for himself.

11.) He kills as easily as he makes use of healing arts. He has used Shinsou for stabbing allies just as often as he has used it for battlefield amputations of hollow-defiled limbs.

12.) Unohana Retsu knows how good he is at healing, but unfortunately she also knows why he is so good at it. She will never forgive him for perverting her arts into tools used for indiscriminate terror and pain. He will forever hate her for not giving in to that sinister twist within her soul every time she cuts a patient's flesh.

13.) "Ichimaru Gin" has become a valid and often-used cause of death for arrancar of all ranks. Gin just wishes they'd learn a bit faster...

14.) He likes to divert the blame for crimes he commits. To date, Kurotsuchi Mayuri has been suspected for thirty-seven eviscerations, suicides by seventy-six stabs to the back, beheadings and cases of arson that were not of his doing. Of course Mayuri takes it in stride - half of the stuff he does ends up at the feet of Ichimaru Gin, and he's just as manic a murderer as Gin is.

15.) He respects Hitsugaya Toushiro for three reasons: First, the boy truly is a genius. Gin himself knows what it takes to break all limits and expectations, and Hitsugaya did even better than he did. Second, the boy-captain of the Tenth commands the respect of Matsumoto Rangiku, something that should by all laws of reality have been impossible to achieve for any one man, and third, Hitsugaya is the singlemost promising successor to his own position of the meanest, scariest bastard in the Gotei 13... well, if there would be any left if Aizen-sama was finished, anyways.

16.) Out of all the Espada, he likes one, accepts three and barely tolerates the rest. He likes Szayel, because twisted minds such as him are rare and it is ever-so-pleasing to mess with these scientist-types; he accepts Stark, Halibel and Barragan because they can give him a good workout if Aizen-sama ever told him to eliminate them and he barely tolerates the rest... because Aizen-sama orders him to.

17.) He rarely sleeps longer than four hours. Every day he contributes twelve hours to improving himself in whatever manner he deems necessary and grudgingly spends another six kicking newbie Arrancar around until they get a grasp on their powers - and the fact that even if they go all-out, he can still kick them face-down into the pavement. However, no-one in Hueco Mundo, down to Aizen Sousuke, knows what he does in the last two hours.

And Ichimaru Gin would like to keep it that way.

18.) He was either amused by or actively disliking most of his former captain-colleagues of Seireitei. Not Aizen-sama of course, but as it turned out, not Komamura Sajin either. Gin could never quite figure out the reason why he was always wary around the helmed giant, and even if he knew, he would never admit to himself that the thought of that giant bankai blowing all his defenses to smithereens greatly unnerved him. To this day, Ichimaru Gin chalks up these moments of unease to the fact that Komamura, apparently, was not all that human.

19.) Ichimaru Gin is desperate. Desperate because he knows he will not survive to see the coming of whatever new age Aizen-sama has planned, because something as monstrous as himself could not be allowed to exist in that future. And no matter how loyal he is to Aizen (and he is, considering his track record), Ichimaru Gin values his own life above anything else in the world, afterlife and all other dimensions put together.

20.) It is no great surprise that when Aizen Sousuke manipulates the Hogyoku into releasing the mirror sides of all Hollows and Shinigami during that last, climatic battle, throwing the Gotei 13 into disarray as they struggle with their inner Hollows, that a calm and collected Gin, hollow mask on his face, shows that his loyalty is only to himself. The sound of the decapitated body of Aizen Sousuke hitting the ground brought all activity to a grinding halt... even if no-one knew just who had killed him.

Again, Ichimaru Gin would like to keep it that way.


	3. Blumenkind

1.) He does not like being called a homosexual behind his back. He has significantly less problems with being called one to his face, usually inviting whomever calls him one to a manly bar crawl, in the process getting them drunk and having them end up wearing nothing but a gimp mask and half a liter of pink paint in front of the Fourth Division.

He thinks it is unfair that his Nanao-chan kicks the crap out of him for doing so, though.

2.) Katen Kyokotsu is part of his personality, he was taught. Just why his sword spirit is even more of a lazy hedonist than he is called, at times, he has no idea. But everytime his sword calls him into its palace in their shared mindscape, Shunsui acknowledges that it might be because he is but a humble student before his sword.

3.) If he wanted to, Katen Kyokotsu could take care of the dramatic cherry petal rain that he 'requires' for grandstanding exercises with ease. The Flower God is, after all, just that. But both he and his sword agree that the expression on their Nanao-chan's face is so worth getting a face-full of basket when she's fed up with catering to his whimsical needs.

4.) Both he and his Nanao-chan keep the fact that Shunsui takes care of exactly half the paperwork of the Eighth carefully concealed and under wraps. If one were to break through multiple layers of things as mundane as locked doors and as eldritch as overlapping fields of sentry kido, one will find carefully sorted stacks of paperwork, in- and outbound, signed by none other than one Captain Kyoraku Shunsui. There is a reason to the secrecy, but that reason is a secret all by itself.

And his Nanao-chan would really, really, REALLY kick the crap out of him if he told anyone.

5.) The reason Ise Nanao is his vice-captain is simple. She's the singlemost beautiful woman he has ever laid his eyes on. The reason why he kept her is simple, too. They are an excellent team. That's pretty much all there is to it.

And he will help her kick the crap out of anyone who dares to speculate that there might be other reasons.

6.) He is the only one amongst his peers who likes Commander-General Yamamoto. One of three old enough to remember the man he once was and the only one to hold on to that image. But the fond memories of days long gone are fading fast, these days, replaced by tyranny and oppression.

Kyoraku Shunsui detests both with fervour he usually reserves for avoiding getting the crap kicked out of him by his Nanao-chan.

7.) People learned not to play card games with him. He cheats like crazy, everyone knows it. But absolutely no-one could figure out how he did it, not even Unohana Retsu and her twenty-two year crusade against his apparent inability to stop cheating. If only they knew... he never cheated at all. He just is that damn lucky with cards.

And his Nanao-chan would kick more than just crap out of him if she knew that he won her in a game with Captain Unohana.

8.) When people look at him, they see an obnoxious drunk with no concept of things such as 'personal space' and 'getting the fuck away from me'. They are usually right, until some kind of evil in need of a dose of killing comes by. Then the stupidly smiling drunken idiot changes into a stupidly smiling drunken captain who is about to redefine the meaning of pain for his luckless foe.

9.) He is one of the handful of people in Seireitei who is not unnerved by Kurotsuchi Mayuri. Three reasons exist for this - first, he could obliterate him before the other captain would even realize he's there, second, he has braved the wrath of Unohana Retsu (and after that, he is willing to tell everyone who looks as if he's even remotely interested, nothing is really scary anymore) and third, his Nanao-chan gets all clingy when they visit the Twelfth Division compund/torture chambers.

10.) Despite his frustrating lechery and his unabashed debauchery, Ise Nanao (also known as 'his Nanao-chan') would be surprised to know that he has been celibate ever since she became his Vice-Captain.

And she would kick the crap out of him, because she'd understand why.

11.) He is an incredibly lazy person, an irredeemable connoisseur of 'fine arts', which means, for him, the fine arts of Drunken Debauchery, Classy Pornography and Explicit Poetry. And yet, he is the singlemost patient captain (some say he is too lazy to get agitated) and the only captain in Seireitei able to name every single and last of his subordinates no matter where he meets them, unless, of course, he's very, very drunk.

Well, except for his Nanao-chan. There are betting pools that he could recognize her by smell alone, if alcohol sufficiently clouds his eyesight.

12.) He has a beautiful singing voice. At least, he thinks so and lets anyone else know it. While most people seem to think otherwise, he never lets such trivialities come between himself and loud, drawn-out shower songs, only marginally less ribald and embarrassing than the kinds he sings when falling-down drunk.

Well, until his Nanao-chan accidentally misfires a kido and causes all water within the division compound to run as cold as ice for a minute.

13.) Despite all of his less than wholesome hobbies and activities, he'd be incredibly proud to know that he rates very, very high on the Shinigami Women's Association's list of most eligible bachelors. He has won the Rugged Handsome award for fourty-two years in a row, the Manly Chest award six times during the last ten years and yet, he hasn't won the Available Single Male award, ever.

If he knew that his Nanao-chan is very, very definite when it comes to any woman laying her hands on Kyoraku Shunsui, he'd burn a giant glowing pink heart into the sky, just because he could.

14.) He is funny. It's the truth. He is one of the best comedians in Seireitei, and it's not even his own opinion. Like all true masters, he thinks himself unworthy of that one title (unlike with all the others he claims), and will zealously point out his own shortcomings, often sending his impromptu audience into spasmic fits of laughter.

Well, except for his Nanao-chan. She, very carefully, uses kido to suppress her laughter.

15.) Ukitake Jyuushiro is his best friend. There are no ifs and buts. While he is pretty sure that he loves his Nanao-chan, there is a bond between him and Jyuushiro that transcends most worldly (or, as it is, afterworldly) matters. When either of them needs assistance, the other knows and provides it. When one of them just needs to talk, the other listens. When either of them needs advice, the other provides.

It burns Kyoraku Shunsui to his core that he is unable to help with his friend's failing health.

16.) Ise Nanao, for once not his Nanao-chan, is the third person in the world to learn of what it would take to cure Ukitake Jyuushiro. Like Captains Unohana and Kyoraku before her, she agrees with Captain Ukitake that no, some things are not worth the cost... yet.

Shunsui has never been prouder with her before.

17.) He still remembers the first time he released Katen Kyokotsu. It was during a heated spar with then-not-best-friend-nor-captain Ukitake Jyuushiro. The fact that the other man summarily proceeded to unleash his OWN two-blade zanpakuto cemented the foundations of a very, very long and unbreakable friendship. Well, so did the awesome lightshow of flashing lightning, booming air and cresting waves. They are just awesome like that.

18.) His stance on the entire war is neutral. He knows that the time for change has come, or rather, has to come, but he loathes the cost. He fights against Aizen both because his mentor and, long ago, father-figure orders him to, but also because he fears that with every passing day, The Secret(tm) that four people in the whole world share will snake its way into the heart of his comrades.

19.) One day, Hitsugaya Toushiro will walk out of his office to head to the barracks and end up with a faceful of man-chest and the sound of shunpo. That evening will be the stuff of legend, of an epic battle and a very, very long and embarrassing man-to-man talk about the things one needs to do in life.

Shunsui will gladly bear the burden of nightmares about having certain bits shock-frozen for the good it does to the on-off relationship between his fellow Captain and the rest of the world.

20.) He has a sneaky plan. One day, he'll ask his Nanao-chan to bear his children and he'll do it right so that she doesn't shear off the top half of his head with her sword or some kind of rage-powered kido.

Soul Society as a whole should dread the day there are mini-Shunsuis squabbling with their mini-Nanao sisters.


	4. Interlude I: Katzenzunge

1.) She is damn hot and knows how to use it. Many, many, many, MANY men and women have fallen victim to that.

2.) She has no shame, either. She's confident enough in her abilities, looks and actions that she doesn't experience those moments of uncertainty and doubt that transform into shame in other people.

3.) She is utterly ruthless when it comes down to getting what she truly desires. To this day, the death of her father, Shihouin Koutaro, remains an unsolved mystery in the books of Soul Society. She still says that he should have stepped down as Clan Head after the third time she brutalized one of the suitors he had chosen for her.

4.) She enjoys working out, ever refining her own arts - she is not stupid enough to think that she is perfect, and one never knows when the three-hundred forty-seven ways to murder people in less than three seconds that she is aware of might come in handy.

5.) Urahara Kisuke is her best friend, and that's all that is to it. She very, very loudly says so and nobody is stupid enough to investigate further after she set 11th Division lieutenant Kusajishi after the last idiot to do so.

6.) She likes to eat a lot. It's part of the reason why she works out so much, but when you spend half of the day eating and snoozing in the sun as a cat, you had better spend the other half maintain that shapely, shapely body.

7.) She chose the form of a cat for her transformation because it gave her the perfect excuse to lie low in some mortal households. That, and she really, really likes being scratched just there at the base of her ears. Mmmmh.

8.) She regrets the necessity of abandoning Soi Fong, but knows that there was no other way to do what had to be done. A century later she is proud of every bruise and cut the somewhat matured little killer bee has inflicted on her.

9.) She is one of the select few people with an alcohol tolerance lower than that of Hitsugaya Toushiro. Neither of them will ever tell anyone how or why they both ended up drunk and without any recollection of the previous evening in a very friendly embrace in some alley in the far-off districts of Rukongai.

10.) She prefers not to use her zanpakuto. She is in a situation crazily similar to that of Ayasegawa Yumichika, but it's the exact other way around. In the 2nd Division, almost all zanpakuto are either energy-types or subtle killing tools. It is somewhat embarrassing that hers embodies the part of her soul that is loud, bold and likes to smash things with all the subtlety of a rampaging bear.

11.) She likes to know secrets. Not the world-shaking epic blackmail material kind of secrets, like the stuff Aizen Sousuke habitually seeks and finds, but the embarrassing personal details stuff. She knows that Aizen really, really liked those glasses, that former captain Tousen liked to pose in front of a mirror, that Ichimaru Gin took great pride in his hair and worked hard to get the most menacing smile (and this, she thinks, is a real acheivement with the demon of Zaraki around). She also knows that Unohana wants to have children but considers almost all males to be unworthy, that Hitsugaya is an ass man and that Kenpachi is a master calligraphist and that Kuchiki Byakuya would really like to just sleep in one day and tell anyone who tries to wake him to go die in a fire.

12.) She likes pranks. A lot. By now, Ichigo is used to waking up trussed up like a giant ham in various gay bars in Karakura and the raunchier districts of Seireitei. If she was any judge of it, his ability to get out of the trickiest knots she - and that means the meanest, leanest knotting machine in all of Seireitei - knows increases exponentially with the amount of lusting stares he receives.

13.) She does not forgive, she does not forget. Aizen Sousuke will die, she knows that. Whether by her hand or by an event that she actively participates in, she will be there when the man that forced her to abandon home, kin and friends alike bites it.

14.) When she first sees Inoue Orihime, she cannot help but be envious for a moment. The girl somehow manages to combine cuteness, light-headed absentmindedness and stunning looks. Then she shrugs and considers that awesome kick-ass kung-fu, a cat form and a body others would die for paired with a mind that is sharp enough to cut through Urahara's blathering (at times) is better anyways.

15.) She is adept with most weapons, but give her something blunt and heavy and the elegant Shihouin princess transforms into a happily smiling, blood-covered Murder Angel. To this day, only Kusajishi Yachiru has seen that side of her and lived to tell the tale and has never, not for one moment, stopped to try and arrange a marriage between "my Ken-chan" and "Hammer-lady".

16.) She is an adrenaline junkie. Running at improbably high speeds with milliseconds to judge distances and no room for errors, climbing mountains one-handed without assistance, juggling live explosives, anything that puts her in mortal danger makes her happy. It's another reason why she spends so much time in catform. The cat really just wants to find a spot in the sun and be lazy.

17.) Her way of teaching leaves her pupils either insane, paranoid, overly aggressive or weepy. Kurosaki Ichigo is different. He was perpetually angry even before he met her, and training with her served to curb that tendency. Instead, to her mounting horror, she realizes it's herself who ends up with the short end of the Mocking Stick these days.

18.) Neither will admit it, but Byakuya is one of her dearest friends. She has seen him in his weakest and his strongest moments (not that he was aware of this, but still), and he, in turn, has seen a side of her that few others have seen. It's one of the few subjects that invariably brings a grin to the otherwise grim face of the Kuchiki lord, and he's not willing to share the memory. For his own good.

19.) When the final battle against Aizen Sousuke takes place and the Lord of Las Noches unleashes the hollows in his shinigami foes, she is hit hard. All that anger, all that ambition, every negative emotion she carefully bottled up suddenly blend together and break free. She almost falls to her hollow, until a fist the size of her head knocks her back into the realm of the safely unpossessed. To this day, she is searching of an appropriate gift for Yasutora 'Chad' Sado.

20.) When it comes to marriage, she blushes, winks, and breaks into shunpo so fast that people are reminded just why she is named "Goddess of Flash". There are a few candidates, everyone knows, but nobody, not even the catty princess of Seireitei, knows who it will be, in the end.


	5. Petit Soeur

1.) Soi Fong does not like to shave her legs. Still, she does it because if there's something she learned from her erstwhile mentor slash god-figure, Shihouin Yoruichi, it's that if you murder someone, you had better look good while doing it .

2.) She loathes her lieutenant. She knows that he is capable - family connections or not, one does not survive in the Second without some punch to back up a big mouth - and that he is an awesome way to get some free time by making him do all her paperwork, but he is an arrogant, overbearing, misogynist ass who dares to spread foodcrumbs on her head. She does NOT need a reminder that she's tiny all the time.

3.) In the same vein, while she fears no captain of the Gotei 13, she is highly uncomfortable around both Komamura Sajin and Zaraki Kenpachi. Not because each of them could kill her in one hit (after all, they'd have to CONNECT for that to happen, and she's so very, very fast), but because both of them are absolutely huge, gigantic walls of muscle.

4.) She really likes to have free time. It has been a century since she has been nothing more than a duty-bound half-slave. She is a duty-bound captain now, and with that rank and her power come a lot of privileges. For someone who never had any before, it was an awesome experience. And Soi Fong, as the head of the Special Forces, has unparalleled access to the living world. There are so many, many, many things a young woman can do in the living world, Soi Fong has found out. And most of them are great fun.

5.) She has never understood the hubbub some people make about sex. Raised, no, born to serve, the woman that later became Captain Soi Fong of the Second Division has the sex drive of a particularly lifeless patch of moss, and since she can't see anything wrong about it, is entirely unwilling to change this.

6.) Soi Fong is second only to ex-Captain Ichimaru in the ability to break people through torture. However, where Gin does it for fun, she does it because someone has to. And she can control her zanpakuto's ability to "kill". Most traitor-shinigami and hollows tend to break after watching one of their limbs fight and lose to spiritonecrosis, after all.

7.) Soi Fong likes to play darts. Soi fong likes to play darts so much, in fact, that she always insists on doing so when she gets the chance to do it - and that's pretty often, in Seireitei - that there is a long-running betting pool on when she'll miss hitting at least one perfect bullseye out of three throws with any sufficiently aerodynamic projectile (including Captain Zaraki, who really got a laugh out of the "angry lesbian shrimp throwing me around like that")

8.) Contrary to very, very popular opinion, Soi Fong is not a lesbian. She would be shocked and mortified at the amount of lesbian pornographic art featuring her (and, in most cases, Yoruichi), and quick to punish the fool peddling it. She has never had any interest in women, but the same is true for men.

9.) Suzumebachi is an extension of herself, literally. Her shikai takes away any and all defensive capability her sword possesses for nearly unmatched killing power. Soi Fong is a glass cannon, even though that glass is hardened beyond all imagination through training, will and furious determination.

10.) She is gravely wounded during the last battle of the Winter War. When her Hollow side is empowered by the acts of the arch-traitor, her worst aspects take over, and she goes on a rampage. She finds many of her own division to be unworthy of existing, of being an affront to her senses, to be guilty because they are -weak-. Soi Fong, in a demonically-fuelled judgement spree murders, within five minutes, sixty percent of her division. While she is judged innocent by her peers, what really haunts her, even years later, is that she -still- does not feel remorse for doing it.

11.) After the Winter War, her relationship with Shihouin Yoruichi is strained to the point of a half-dozen closely averted catfights. Soi Fong loves her former teacher/mistress/god-figure/surrogate mother-figure to pieces, but she desperately feels that she must be herself... even though she does has no idea what being Soi Fong should be like.

12.) She is one of those people in Soul Society willing and ready to call Kuchiki Rukia on her abysmal failures at drawing cute animals. Like all the others who do so, she is powerful enough to evade the wrath of the Kuchiki heiress, but unlike the others, Soi Fong, through years of drawing images used in investigations, is a master-class artist willing, ready and able to draw another volume of Usagi Shinigami. Rukia would be horrified to know that she tried to raise her hand against the creator of Seireitei's most popular comic.

13.) She believes in regular exercise and a controlled diet to keep fit, but completely overshoots her self-set goals. It's something she has in common with Hitsugaya Toushiro, another firm believer in extensive self-training. Neither of them, under pain of torture and death, would ever admit that they themselves might be the reasons why they are so short. Both of them had a troubled youth and neither is willing to grow up, for reasons entirely too similar.

14.) Soi Fong enjoys reading cliched action novels. One day, she swears, she'll get a piranha pitfall trap installed in front of her office desk, and another one in front of her office door. If someone is serious about disturbing her, they'll find means to get past the security. If not, well, they get eaten by ferocious fish, which is just as well in her books.

15.) She is the best martial artist in all of Seireitei, including the wayward Shihouin princess. While her erstwhile lady is quite a lot more skilled than Soi Fong in all things reiatsu manipulation, in pure hand-to-hand, Soi Fong stands supreme.

16.) In her gloomier moments, Soi Fong finds herself stealing things from her fellow shinigami and expertly placing the blame on others. Watching events unfold (and, if necessary, breaking up any fights) could be called one of her hobbies, if Soi Fong would admit to herself that she has any.

17.) One day, Madarame Ikkaku decides to test his mettle against speed, not brute force. While Soi Fong makes quick work of him, she finds that getting him to stay down is a lot harder than it appears to be. Ikkaku, on the other hand, is determined not to stop fighting her until he can actually block her strikes. To their mutual horror, they find out that love can bloom on the battlefield.

18.) She likes to teach Martial Arts courses at the shinigami academy. Not only does she get a decent workout from holding herself back instead of ripping the students to pieces, but she really, really enjoys the excited looks on the faces of some of those who spar against her. Soi Fong, for all her stern, dry nature, has the least problems of all captains with recruiting prospective shinigami into her division.

19.) What most people do not understand when they see her is that Soi Fong is a captain. They compare her with Ise Nanao, who is just as stern as Soi Fong. They compare her with Kuchiki Rukia, who is just as short and just as violent. They do not, however, compare her with Zaraki the Berserker, whose battle-fury she can match, though not exceed, nor with Kuchiki "Kinslayer" Byakuya, whom she shares a sobriquet with - "Executioner". Too late and to their sorrow do those who underestimate the fury of bankai realize their fate when they engage Soi Fong.

20.) Soi Fong is always ready to kill her fellow Shinigami if they turn traitor. She knows she and Suzumebachi are made for this. In some nights she wonders, though, if she is the knife in the darkness that ends treason - or rather, should end, given her abject failure to deal with the Arch-Traitor and his ilk - whose hand is it that points a knife at her heart? Then she closes her eyes and knows that she will serve Seireitei until her dying day anyways... whether from old age, or because someone mercykills her.


End file.
